On Relationships 2: Getting comfortable with static situations.

Everyone I’ve had a relationship conversation with in the last few months has probably heard me say, I’m giving the next person I’m in a situationship/talking stage-ship with, three months to make up their mind, and if we’re still dilly-dallying after three months, I’m removing myself.

The reasoning behind it is the point of this post; comfortableness, not Dave. (Don’t get me wrong, there are other reasons why Dave might choose to remain in a situationship but that’s not the focus today).

It’s very easy for us to get comfortable in situations where there is no glaring need for change;

which is why I never really understood the ridicule behind ‘what are we?’ because it’s a very valid question in my opinion. If you find yourself asking that, you probably NEED to.

For the greater part of it, most relationships start off with situationships. You meet someone, you become friends, you hang out a lot, become really close friends, then you become friends who do everything people in relationships do, but you’re not really in any defined relationship till you both establish that you are.

Now, the problem with situationships is when it just never gets defined. And this is not to be confused with a no-label relationship because mind you, ‘no-label’ is a label of sorts.

Situationships on the other hand are just lazy and an accountability-free pass. Having been in a few myself, what I appreciate and hate (depending on what side of the sword I’m at) about them is that. The flexibility (you don’t need to include them in your future plans), the lack of accountability, the ability to wake up one morning and decide to eject with no formality whatsoever. (I once had to write a formal breakup text and I still die a little inside when I remember how long I spent thinking of what to send only to conclude the text with, it’s not you, it’s me.)

The most distressing part for me is that while you’re basically acting like people in relationships, you’re still not entitled to so many things. Like, a friend of mine asked her partner in a situationship about his whereabouts and if he was seeing other people, and he claimed he did not have to tell her that, and she pushed back saying, as long as they were having sex together, he owed it to her to disclose if he was seeing other people; rightfully so.

Personally, I have been in a situation where I wanted to ask a Dave about someone else but I could not find a way to ask it without coming off intrusive, because I did not think I was in the position to ask. Eventually, it ate me up and I had to get off.

When things are not labelled, there is always that fat blurry line sitting there like, ‘I don’t know what I am BUT you can’t cross me’. And in the absence of setting lines straight, you start to fill the gaps with assumptions, the biggest one being exclusivity.

You’ve been seeing Dave for a very long time. You know all Dave’s friends, who they hang out with and when. You stay with Dave so often, you start to feel a sense of security and you assume as there is no one suspicious, you’re both exclusive to each other, latently. This is the point where a lot of people get comfortable. Once there’s that false sense of exclusivity, it starts to feel like, ‘what’s the point of a label if THIS is working for us, I mean, eventually, Dave could make things official but if he doesn’t, it’s not like it makes a difference.’

WELL,

Dave’s biggest character flaw could be being laissez-faire so you’re in for a long one.

Someone I spoke with said, ‘this is why I cannot cohabitate’ and I totally see where they are coming from.

I guess at the end of the day, what matters is to know when the situation no longer suits your needs. Not everyone starts a relationship with an intent. Some people just go with the flow, so situationships are not particularly off-putting to them. But when that blurry line starts to poke you, it might mean it’s a good time to reevaluate if your mindset at the start of the relationship still aligns with your current mindset.

Do you now want something substantial? Can the other person give you that? Maybe it’s time to sit down and create definitions or simply eject!

Let me know what your thoughts are on situationships, how long they should last on average, and at what point are you allowed to wake Dave up at night and ask, ‘what are we?’